1. A day without sunshine is like…night.
2. On the other hand…you have different fingers.
3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
6. He who laughs last…thinks slowest.
7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
8. The early bird may get the worm - but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a really bad memory.
11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
12. If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.
14. OK…so what's the speed of dark?
15. When everything is coming your way, you're probably in the wrong lane.
16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now!
17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
18. Eagles may soar, but weasels never get sucked into jet engines
19. What happens if you get scared half to death…twice?
20. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, "What the hell happened?"
22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
and the best for last...
24. Life isn't always like a box of chocolates! Sometimes it’s more like a jar of jalapenos - What you do today, might really burn your ass tomorrow.